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Asking the Right Questions About Domestic Violence

Each day in the United States, three women are murdered by a current or former boyfriend or husband. When a woman is murdered, people are shocked, confused, and outraged. People often wonder how her partner, someone who seemed like “such a nice guy,” could commit such a heinous act. And after a tragedy like this occurs, comments on stories and social media are filled with questions such as:

“Why didn’t she leave him?”

“What did she do to upset him?”

“Why was she alone with him?”

These questions are understandable. We’ve all been trained to question and blame the victim, especially in this type of crime. We don’t want to believe that anything like this could happen to us, so we assume that there must be something wrong with her. Of course, that’s not true. Domestic violence can happen to anyone. And at least one in four women will be abused at some point.

Not only are these victim blaming questions not helpful, they distract from the real issue, and the only real questions we should be asking:

Why would a man feel so entitled that he felt justified killing someone he claimed to love?

And how can we stop this from happening again?

These are difficult, but necessary questions. We live in a society that teaches boys to be powerful and in control. We teach boys and young men that the only acceptable emotion is anger. And we fail to teach them how to deal with their emotions in a relationship, especially when the relationship ends. And when these boys grow up, they are often allowed to commit heinous acts of violence against female partners, without ever being held accountable.

We also teach girls that they are responsible for everything that happens to them. So often, victims never reach out for help at all. This type of victim blaming sends a dangerous message to our children. It teaches girls that they are not worthy, and that they will not be believed. And it teaches boys that they are not accountable for their actions.This “boys will be boys” mentality creates a culture of men who feel entitled to treat others – especially girls and women – with complete disrespect.

After working with thousands of victims and perpetrators of domestic and violence, I can tell you that these tragedies happen simply because a man entitled to control his wife or girlfriend. He controls her by telling her who to talk to, what to wear, how to act, how often to check in, and the consequences for violating his rules. When the control starts to slip, he will often use physical or sexual violence to get it back – to keep her “in line.” When the relationships ends, his control is challenged, and he chooses to escalate the violence even more – sometimes to the level of murder.

These abusive men are not monsters. In fact, they usually look and act like regular people – because they are. Friends and family of abusers are often shocked – because these men are usually are not angry or controlling toward anyone other than their partner. Often, the victim is the only person who knows the abuser’s true tendencies. Yet when she tries to tell us, we don’t believe her.

We have to start teaching our children that no one has a right to control them, and they have no right to control anyone else, and that love is about respect, trust, and honesty, not jealousy, anger, and control. And when our child does something to hurt someone else, we need to hold them accountable – not blame it on boys just being boys. Finally, we have to stop blaming victims. Imagine the pain that has already been caused by these acts. Questioning or judging the victim or her family is cruel and unnecessary. We would be much better served by turning our attention toward preventing these crimes – by believing victims, holding abusers accountable, and most of all, by talking to our children – early and often.

If you or someone you know is being abused, help is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). All women, children, and men deserve to be safe – including you.

Are You a Victim of Gaslighting

The term “gaslighting” comes from a 1938 play and its 1944 film adaptation, “Gas Light,” which tell the story of a young woman, Paula (played by Ingrid Bergman), who meets and falls in love with a charming and handsome man, Gregory (played by Charles Boyer). Paula and Gregory get married and move to the U.K., into a home formerly occupied by Paula’s aunt, who was mysteriously murdered years before.

It turns out that Gregory is a jewel thief and a murderer, and proceeds to manipulate Paula to convince her that she is crazy. Every evening, Paula is convinced that she sees gaslights in the home dim and hears strange noises in the attic, but Gregory convinces her that she’s imagining it – though he is the one who is causing these things to happen. Paula develops intense insecurity and doubts her own perceptions and memories, and eventually has a nervous breakdown. Hopefully you are not, in fact, living with a jewel thief or a murderer. But, you may be in a relationship with someone who is using the same tactics to gain control over you, and get you to stay in an unhealthy (and likely abusive) relationship.

Acts of gaslighting may include denying his behavior, trying to convince you that his behavior was your fault, or doing things to make you feel crazy. For example, he may hide your keys or other belongings and then tell you that you’re crazy for constantly losing things. He may say something mean or abusive, or even physically hurt you, and then deny that it happened. He may have an affair and then tell you that you are overly jealous and overreacting.

Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse, and often happens along with other power and control tactics, such as isolating you from friends and family, calling you names, accusing you of cheating, and controlling the finances. And gaslighting, just like other forms of abuse, is intentional. These tactics are used to get you to doubt your own memory, sanity, perception, and judgment, so that you eventually lose faith in yourself, and rely solely on your partner for your well-being.

Ask yourself the following questions to determine if you are a victim of gaslighting:

Does your partner often tell you that you are overreacting, too sensitive, or crazy?
Do you often second guess yourself?
When your partner does something insensitive or hurtful – whether it’s being late for a date, having an affair, saying something mean, or physically hurtful you – does he try to convince you that it is somehow your fault?
Do you often feel confused?
Do you often apologize to your partner (and others) for your behavior?
Do you often make excuses for your partner’s behavior to your friends and family? Or, have you stopped sharing information about your arguments and relationship struggles with friends and family at all, to avoid having to make excuses?
Do you have difficulty making decisions – even simple decisions such as what to wear or what to eat – and often question your choices?
Do you feel depressed, hopeless, or frequently sad?
Have you lost contact with friends and family?
Do you feel like you can’t do anything right?

If any of these statements sound familiar, it is very likely that your partner is emotionally manipulating (gaslighting) you – which is a form of abuse. The good news is that becoming aware of this, and accepting it, is the most important step.

Once you know that your partner’s behavior is abusive, it is important to realize that it is not your fault. There is absolutely nothing you could do to cause his behavior, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Only the person who is using abusive tactics can choose to stop, and most abusers will not.

The best way to avoid future effects of gaslighting is to start focusing more on you. Start to unravel the lies your partner has told you, realize that your memory and perceptions are accurate, and start to build trust in yourself again. Ending an abusive relationship can be a difficult process, but staying will likely be even more difficult – and possibly dangerous.

Remember, you deserve to be heard, believed, respected, and loved – every day. To talk with someone and make a plan to move forward, contact the National Hotline at 800-799-SAFE. Remember, this is not your fault. And you are not alone.

Are You a Victim of Emotional Abuse?

Most of us have been taught to avoid and not tolerate physical violence. We know how to recognize when we are being physically harmed by someone. And we have probably all been taught that if someone hits us, it’s abusive. But, emotional abuse is often much more confusing and difficult to spot. And typically, physical abuse starts off as emotional abuse. It’s something we rarely talk about and probably were not taught to identify. Yet, it can impact us just as much as physical violence – sometimes even more.

If your partner is emotionally abusive, you have likely already started to suspect that something is wrong. You probably already know that you are not in a healthy relationship. If you suspect your partner is abusive, trust your instincts. Every relationship is different. And the only person who can know for sure whether you are being abused is you.

The following statements are intended to help bring clarity to your feelings about your relationship, and help you decide what to do moving forward. If you experience any of the following, you are likely being emotionally abused.

Your feelings are rarely validated. When you express concerns to your partner, s/he makes light of them or ignores you completely. You feel as if your opinions, complaints, and needs do not matter. You feel frustrated, unappreciated, and not heard. Eventually, you may stop asking for what you need at all.
Your partner often accuses you of cheating or flirting. S/he is mistrustful of you for no reason. In the beginning, you may have thought their jealousy was sweet and showed that they cared. But, eventually, their jealousy turned into interrogating you about where you’ve been and who you talked to. You feel obligated to explain your interactions with people to prove that you are being faithful. You may avoid talking to people all together, just to keep from upsetting your partner. It seems like nothing you say or do is enough to relieve their concerns.
You feel like you can’t discuss problems in your relationship. You often feel like you are walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner. You want everything to be perfect, so that s/he won’t be upset. You are often nervous about going home, or going to see them, but you pretend to be happy. You feel anxious and worried about how they may react to what you’re wearing, how you act, or what you say. You feel like you can never do or say anything right.
You feel stuck, confused, and unsure what to do most of the time. You question whether this relationship is really right for you. But, it seems that every time you feel ready to leave, your partner does something sweet, and reminds you why you fell in love with them in the first place. You sometimes feel hopeful that things will get better, but other times you feel like nothing will ever change. You are constantly confused about whether to leave or stay.

If you are realizing that you may be a victim of emotional abuse, please know that you are not alone. And not all relationships will feel like this. A healthy partner will hear and validate your concerns and opinions. They will trust and respect you. And they will work on themselves, to make sure they are the best possible partner for you. In a healthy relationship, you will not feel constant confusion and shame – you will feel peace and safety. If you are receiving less than that in your relationship, you absolutely deserve better. Even if your partner has not hit you, emotional manipulation and control is still abuse. And eventually, s/he may also become physically violent.

You do not have to stay in a situation where you are not respected or appreciated. And you do not have to go through this alone. Contact the National Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) to locate an advocate near you who can talk with you about options and resources.

Remember, you deserve to be loved and respected – all the time.

If Your Partner Says This, You May Be in Danger

When we think of abuse, we often picture physical injuries and violent outbursts. But, the fact is that abuse is about much more than physical violence. Abuse is a pattern of behavior your partner uses to gain power and control over you.

These behaviors often start out subtly, but can soon escalate and lead to physical violence. An abusive partner will often do or say things to make you feel embarrassed, guilty, or depressed. They will try to keep you away from friends and family. And eventually, they will want to control all of your decisions and every aspect of your life.

Every relationship is different, so there is no one-size-fits-all formula for determining whether your partner is abusive. However, there are certain key phrases and behaviors to watch out for that indicate your partner is likely controlling and abusive.

Who were you talking to?

An abusive partner will often be very jealous. He will want to know who you are talking to and where you are at all times. He will also try to keep you away from anyone he sees as a threat, or who may help you if you decide to leave. Jealousy is not a sign of love, it is a sign of control – and a definite red flag of abuse.

Why do you make me do this?

One of the most common characteristics of an abuser is refusing to take responsibility for their own actions. If your partner blames you for his bad choices, angry outbursts, or physical violence, please know that he is trying to manipulate and confuse you. Blaming you for his actions is a form of emotional abuse, and definitely a red flag that he may become violent, if he hasn’t already.

This is my house, car, money, child …

Healthy relationships involve shared responsibility and mutual respect. But, abusers feel entitled to have power and control over most areas of their life, especially their partner. If your partner claims ownership over everything and makes you ask for permission to discipline or comfort your child(ren), invite someone to your home, use the car, or access family funds, he is absolutely controlling you — and his abuse may get worse.

You’re overreacting.

Just as abusers often blame others for their actions, they will also minimize their behaviors, and try to make you feel crazy for being upset. This type of minimizing and denying is also a form of emotional abuse, and is used to make you doubt your own perceptions and beliefs. Again, this is being done to control you, and is a red flag that his behavior will continue, and probably get worse.

Why are you so stupid?

An abusive partner will often belittle you, put you down, or call you names. If your partner calls you stupid, fat, or any other hurtful term, he is trying to tear you down. Someone with a poor image of themselves is much easier to control than someone who is confident. He likely doesn’t believe these negative things about you – if he did, he wouldn’t be with you. But, he knows he must make you feel small and worthless, so that he can have more control over you. Someone who truly loves you would never make you feel bad about yourself.

I don’t like when you wear that.

There is nothing wrong with expressing an opinion about how your partner dresses, acts, or speaks. But, when your partner puts you down or makes you feel insecure, that is a definite red flag of abusive behavior. If you find yourself asking for his approval or changing outfits, hair styles, or interests to please him, he is gaining control over you and your decisions. You you have a right to make your own decisions, and a healthy partner would support you in doing so.

I can’t live without you.

One of the most common weapons used by an abusive partner is guilt. In the beginning of the relationship, he will put you on a pedestal, and make you feel like the most important person in the world. Eventually, as he gains more and more control over you, and as his behavior gets worse, he may try to make you feel guilty for leaving – or even thinking about leaving – him. Saying that he cannot live without you is not sweet or romantic, it is a sign that he wants to control you. He doesn’t to do the work to make you want to stay; he wants you to feel obligated to stay. It is also a red flag that he may become more obsessed or violent if you choose to leave. If you feel you may be in danger, please reach out and talk to someone.

No one cares about you like I do – and no one ever will.

One way an abusive partner will try to control you is by keeping you away from family and friends. In the beginning, he will make you feel like you don’t need anyone else, because he showers you with so much love and affection. He may get jealous or upset if you talk with other people, especially other men. And he may try to convince you that no one will ever love you like he does. He does this to control who you talk to, and also to make you feel completely dependent on him. These tactics are indications that he feels entitled to control you, and a red flag of future, more violent behavior.

If your partner has said any of these statements, know that you are not alone. At least one in three women will be abused at some point in her life. And also know that it is absolutely not your fault. Your partner’s claims that you aren’t good enough are not true, and are just his attempt at making you feel worthless, so that you will stay. Someone who truly cares about you would never make you feel bad about yourself. And they would absolutely never make you feel afraid.

Remember, you matter, and you deserve to be treated with love and respect, all the time.

5 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries

One of the most important elements of a healthy relationship is the presence of healthy, well-established boundaries – the clear definition of what is acceptable and unacceptable in a relationship.

Boundaries are essential, but learning how to set – and keep – them is something we are rarely taught. For women especially, setting boundaries can be frightening, because we often worry about pushing our partner away. But, if you’re not able to ask for what you want, and explain what you don’t want, you will likely be left feeling resentful and unappreciated. So, it is critical that we develop and cultivate the ability to be honest about our wants and needs.

Setting boundaries tells your partner (and others) what you expect from them. It is not about changing your partner’s behavior, or even trying to gauge his or her reaction. It’s simply about being honest and authentic about what is important to you. Boundaries are the cornerstone of healthy communication, and a healthy relationship.

If you are feeling unheard unappreciated, disrespected, or taken for granted, there is a strong possibility that your relationship is lacking healthy boundaries. Here are seven steps to help you set healthy boundaries in your relationship.

1. Decide what YOU want. It is impossible to tell your partner what you want and need if you aren’t clear on that yourself. Take some time to think and write about what is truly important to you in a relationship. How do you want to feel? Is it important to you that your partner call you every day? How often do you expect to spend time together? How do you want to be treated? What behaviors are disrespectful or unacceptable to you? Get clear on what you truly want and need to feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship.

2. Then, work on trusting yourself. As you start to get clear on your wants and needs, you may start to question your own instincts. You may start to wonder whether you’re being too harsh or demanding. You may wonder whether these wants and needs are “reasonable.” And you may start to worry about how your partner may react when you express these boundaries. But, remember, setting boundaries is not about the other person – it’s about what is important to you. And if it’s important to you – it matters. Know that the only person who can decide what matters to you – is you.

3. Practice saying “no” to things you do not want. Learning how to say “no” is so critical to all relationships, not just romantic ones. For example, when your sister asks you to loan her money (again), but you really do not want to, it is okay to say “no.” When your child’s school wants you to volunteer again, and you really do not want to, it is okay to say “no.” And when your partner asks if you want to go see the new superhero movie, and you really do not want to, it’s also okay to say “no.” This isn’t about being selfish – it’s about standing up for yourself. And yes, it is okay to compromise and do things for others sometimes. But, if you aren’t standing up for yourself – at least as much as you stand up for others – how can you expect anyone else to stand up for you? Practice saying “no,” and be proud of yourself for doing so.

4. Get comfortable with healthy confrontation. One of the challenges of setting healthy boundaries is worrying about how your partner may react. But the fact is that you cannot predict or control their reaction. State your desires clearly and respectfully. If there is something you want your partner to stop doing, tell them. If there is something you want them to do, tell them. Accept that you are not responsible for the other person’s reaction. All you can do is be honest with them – and with yourself.

5. Be kind to yourself. Setting boundaries is a process. It may take time for you to get comfortable speaking up for yourself. Take it one step at a time, and be kind to yourself in the process. Each time you speak up for what you want, recognize that you have taken a step toward a healthier, happier relationship and life. Setting boundaries can be tough work. But it’s worth it.

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