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What are you getting out of this relationship?

Things were great in the beginning. There were sparks. You felt butterflies. And you felt truly safe and cared for. But now, you’ve been together for a while, and things have changed. You are often upset, sad, or frustrated. You feel unappreciated, overwhelmed, and exhausted. You wonder whether you’re overreacting, or if it may be time to end the relationship. But, rather than struggle with the decision of whether to leave, it may be more helpful to get honest with yourself about why you stay.

We stay in relationships for a lot of reasons. Sometimes these are healthy reasons: that our partner help us become an even better version of ourselves; that we feel supported and loved; that we are helping one another learn and grow.

But sometimes, we stay for not-so-healthy reasons. Often, we stay in a relationship because we are simply afraid of being alone. Sometimes we worry that if we leave, we will never find love again. And sometimes we stay because we feel an obligation to help, or even fix, our partner.

Sometimes we stay with someone even when we know the way they treat us is not healthy, maybe even abusive. Your partner may keep you away from friends and family, put you down, or hurt you – either emotionally or physically. Yet still, you are confused about whether to leave or stay.

You may have real concerns about leaving. You may be afraid for your safety, which should absolutely be taken seriously. Your partner may also have controlled all of the finances, making it difficult for you to get away. Leaving is never an easy decision, and it may take time to plan and prepare. But, the first step is to get truly honest about why you are in the relationship at all.

One reason we often stay in unhealthy relationships is because we feel unlovable. We believe that this person is the only one who will ever truly love and care for us. Sometimes we believe this because our partner has made us feel that way, by creating a vicious cycle of putting you down and then lifting you back up again – making you feel like they are the only person who will ever accept and love you. It’s also possible that you felt unlovable before you ever met your partner, possibly due to an abusive or neglectful childhood or a prior abusive relationship.

Before you can truly move on and heal from an unhealthy or toxic relationship, you have to feel and know that you are worthy of love, and that you are absolutely loveable. What your partner is doing, by manipulating and controlling you, is not love. True love never feels limiting, restrictive, controlling, mean, or hurtful. True love feels liberating, free, and safe.

To create the life you truly deserve, you must realize that you deserve true, healthy love. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect and dignity, and reminds you of how magnificent you are. Most of all, you deserve to treat yourself this way, as well.
So, what are you getting out of this relationship? And, be honest: Is it worth it?

What to Expect at a Domestic Violence Shelter

Domestic violence is an epidemic that impacts at least one in every three women and up to one in seven men. Abuse is very prevalent, yet it is still an issue we rarely discuss. One of the main tactics used by abusers is to isolate the victim from friends and family, making it more difficult for you to leave. One of the main concerns for a domestic violence victim is how to leave safely, and where to go.

You have probably heard about domestic violence shelters, but you may have many questions about whether a shelter is right for you. You may be wondering where you will sleep, whether you’ll have to share a room, if you can take your belongings, if your children will be safe, if your pet can come with you, and if your partner will be able to find you. These are just some of the questions often asked by abuse survivors who are considering going to a shelter. Here are a few things you can expect at a shelter, to help you make a decision about whether it is right for you.

You and your children will be safe. The top concern and priority of all domestic violence advocacy programs is to make sure you and your child(ren) are safe and cared for. Some shelters are in confidential locations, others are not. But, all have procedures and systems in place to keep you and your family safe. You will also have a chance to work with an advocate to develop a safety plan for other areas of your life, such as your job or your children’s school. Many shelters also offer programs for children, such as support and play groups, art therapy, and individual counseling.
Your stay will be free. Domestic violence shelters are paid for with grants and donations from the community, so the service is offered for free. This will give you a chance to focus on your safety and healing during your transition, without having to worry about how to pay for rent or utilities. Some shelters will give you a certain timeframe for how long you can stay – such as 30-90 days – while others will just assist you for as long as needed to get you into a new home.
Your stay will be confidential. Advocates with domestic violence programs are committed to protecting the privacy of survivors who reach out to them for help. They are also governed by laws and grant requirements that prohibit them from sharing your information with outside agencies, unless you give them specific permission to do so. Because confidentiality is so essential in a shelter, you will also be asked to keep the identity of others who are staying in the shelter confidential.
You will be able to bring some belongings. You probably won’t be able to pack a moving truck full of all of your possessions, but you will be able to bring some essential clothing, toys, and belongings for yourself and your children. Some shelters limit you to one or two bags per person, while others may have more flexibility. Just remember that this is being done to make sure everyone in shelter is comfortable and has adequate space, and that this is only temporary. Some shelters will allow you to bring pets , while others will assist you with finding a safe place for your pets to stay while you receive services.
You will supported and respected. Perhaps one of the most important aspects of being in shelter is that you are in the company of others who have been through similar situations. Abuse can be very isolating, and you may have started to feel like you are the only person who can understand. But you will find that others who are in the shelter have had similar experiences, and will have compassion and empathy for what you’ve gone through. You will also have the opportunity to talk with trained counselors and advocates who have vast knowledge about abuse, and who can help you work toward your goals. Being in an environment where you feel safe, respected, heard, and cared for will help you heal from the damage caused by your abusive partner, and give you the strength you need to move forward toward a new and better life.

If you are being abused, please know that you deserve better. You deserve to be safe and respected, every day. And if you need a safe place to go, a domestic violence shelter may be a good option, at least for a while. To find a shelter close to you, visit https://www.domesticshelters.org. To talk with an advocate today, call the National
Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233).

Why Does He Do It?

Every day in this country, three men choose to murder a current or former wife or girlfriend. And studies have shown that at least 20% of men will abuse a woman at some point in his life. We’ve all heard the stories. You may have even witnessed abuse in your family or community, or experienced it in your own life. We know that some people choose to abuse the person they claim to love. But, why do they do it?

We often think of abusers as monsters – people who do things so unthinkable we could never possibly understand them. But, this mentality does nothing to help prevent these crimes. In fact, it leads to us ignoring abusers and focusing solely on victims – which causes
victim blaming and lack of accountability.

The fact is that most abusers are not monsters. Often, they are men who have been taught they have a right to control other people, especially women. In fact, they have been taught they are only worthy as a man if they control someone. They have come to believe that their worth depends on being able to control and conquer.

Abusers are not angry. Courts often mistakenly send abusers to anger management, thinking that will change their behavior – but it doesn’t. The fact is that they are already controlling their anger. They choose who to direct it at – their partner – and who not to –their boss, coworkers, friends, etc.

They also are not abusing because of alcohol or drugs. Yes, substance abuse can make abuse worse, because the abuser may not be as careful and may end up causing more serious injuries or leaving marks where we can see them. But, the controlling behavior is likely present even when he’s sober.

Abusers choose to hurt the person they claim to love simply because they feel entitled. They believe they have a right to have power and control over their partner. And they are able to keep acting on these beliefs, simply, because we let them.

We also know that abusers can change. But, requires appropriate treatment, and it requires them choosing to be accountable. There is nothing a victim can do to help an abuser change – though most abusive men claim that they would stop if the victim would just do something differently. But, of course, that’s all part of the control.

Accountability has to come from within. He has to want to change, and then seek out help and treatment. And for those of us who want to stop this abuse, we have to start holding people accountable in our neighborhood, workplace, and faith communities. We can’t just rely on law enforcement. We each have to take a stand against abuse and not allow people to hurt, degrade, or control anyone else.

Simply, people commit these crimes because they have been taught to, and because they can. It’s up to each of us to make it much harder for them to do so. And it’s up to us to send much healthier and more appropriate messages to our friends, family, and even our children, so they grow up knowing they have no right to control anyone. We truly can end abuse, if we just understand why it happens and stop blaming victims for abusers’ choices.

Three Ways to Feel More Love on Valentine’s Day

For some, Valentine’s Day is filled with gifts, love, and appreciation. And for some, it’s filled with
sadness, and thoughts of all they are missing. For some, this is a day of constant disappointment,
wishing someone would love and appreciate them, or show them the kind of love they show everyone
else.
These feelings can be crushing. Anxiety leading up to Valentine’s Day, sadness on the day, and having to
pull yourself up out of that despair the next day can be exhausting. It seems silly that a simple day on
the calendar can cause so much angst and pain. But, whether or not you celebrate Valentine’s Day, the
desire to feel loved and appreciated is real, every day. On this day, it is magnified, as we’re bombarded
with images of happy couples and what we believe we “should” have. And if you are in a relationship
with someone who doesn’t appreciate you, or trying to recover after ending an unhealthy relationship,
this day may be even more painful for you. But, it doesn’t have to be.
The fact is that most pain on this day comes from a feeling of lack – feeling like you don’t have enough
love, attention, affection, and appreciation in your life. You may feel resentful and exhausted because
everything you do goes unnoticed, and it seems that no one truly recognizes all of your efforts. Not
having someone shower you with gifts and compliments may make you feel like you don’t matter.
These thoughts and worries are completely normal and natural. But, here’s the great part: You can
choose a different thought. And you can absolutely choose to have all the love and appreciation you
need, no matter who else in your life chooses to show it. You can feel completely fulfilled, appreciated,
and loved this Valentine’s Day – and every day – simply by showing yourself more love.

Do something you love. Make a real effort today to do at least one thing that you absolutely
love to do. Try to make it something that has nothing to do with your partner, children, or
anyone else. Let it be something that truly lights you up and makes you feel joyful. If you don’t
know what that would be, think about what you loved to do when you were a child. Maybe you
loved to draw, sing, play outside, or dance. Spending just a few minutes doing an activity you
love can lift your spirits, and help you feel whole and joyful. And those are probably the exact
feelings you would want for someone you love.
Be selfish. The term “selfish” has received such a negative connotation, when in fact, it’s not a
bad thing at all. To be selfish just means to focus on yourself, on what you need, and on what
makes you feel good. This only becomes a problem if you focus on yourself despite the feelings
of others. But, choosing to take care of yourself at least as much as you care for others is not
wrong – in fact, it’s necessary. If we don’t sometimes focus on ourselves and on giving ourselves
the time and attention we need we will be left feeling resentful, and unloved. Just a few
moments of focusing on your own feelings and needs can make you feel that you already have
the love you thought you were missing.
Write a love letter to yourself. It may sound odd, but it works. Fill this letter with all the great
things about you. Thank yourself for all that you do. Tell yourself how kind, caring, talented,
gorgeous, and magnificent you are. If you don’t yet believe these things about yourself, write
what you wish someone else would say to you. No one else has to read it. After all, it’s a letter
for you. You’ll soon realize that you do not have to wait for anyone else to tell you how
incredible you are or to show you love – you can do this for yourself any time you want.

Self-love is essential to being truly happy and fulfilled. But, of course, everyone would rather have love
from others, too – especially from a significant other. But, focusing on what you believe you are lacking
will never bring that love into your life. Instead, focus on filling yourself up with love, so that you are
completely whole and joyful on your own. Then, you’ll be amazed at how much love you attract from
others.
Remember, you deserve the love you would give to someone else – on Valentine’s Day, and every day.

Yes, You CAN Afford to Leave

Financial stress is one of the main reasons women feel stuck in unhealthy and abusive relationships. And financial abuse is one of the main tactics an abusive partner will use to control you. He may get credit cards, car loans, or other debt in your name. He may interfere with your career by keeping you up all night fighting, so you’re too tired to concentrate the next day, or by calling and texting you repeatedly while you’re at work. His goal is to take away your power, so that you will need him, and won’t be able to leave. By the time you recognize that your partner is abusive, you may be financially dependent on him, in debt, and under- or un-employed. It may seem impossible to leave in your current financial situation. But, there are ways to reclaim your financial power, and to leave safely. Here are a few tips to get you started.

First, get a realistic picture of your expenses and income. Write out all of your bills and what you earn, from all sources. You may find that you are in a better position than you thought. Abusive partners often find ways to hide money or to spend on frivolous things. Once you’re solely responsible for your own money, you may find that you have more than you thought – and plenty to survive on your own.
Start saving, as much and as often as you can. If your partner does not see your pay stubs, set up a separate bank account in only your name and have some of your check automatically deposited into that account. You can tell your partner that you are contributing to a retirement fund through work. If you do not work, or cannot deposit funds into an account, find a safe place to stash away cash. Keep a coffee can somewhere your partner won’t find it – if not at home, then maybe at work or at a friend’s or
neighbor’s house. Put your change from the grocery store or anything left in your wallet at the end of the day in the can. You’ll be surprised how quickly it will add up.
If you don’t work, explore your options. Work on your resume. Explore classified job ads. Work on building your skills and finding out what jobs may be available in your area. Knowing your options is empowering, and may help you realize that you aren’t really stuck at all.
Understand your rights. If you are married or have a child in common, you are probably entitled to some financial support when you separate. Schedule a consultation with a family law attorney or book an appointment with your local legal aid office. Consults are often free and can give you an idea of what type of compensation you may have a right to.
Build your safety net. Often, it’s the fear of financial failure that keeps us stuck. Make a list of everyone you could call if you were really in trouble – not just those you would be comfortable calling, but anyone you could call. Hopefully you will never need to. But, just knowing that you have people who would help you may relieve your fears, and give you the courage to move forward.

Remember, no amount of money is worth living in fear or being disrespected. You deserve to be safe, appreciate, and respected – all the time, and especially by the person you love. If you would like to talk with someone about your options, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).