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How to Create a Safety Plan

Leaving an abusive relationship can be a very stressful, and often dangerous, time. When you are in crisis or danger, you may not be able to think clearly. Creating a safety plan in advance can help you stay calm and react more quickly in an emergency. A safety plan should address all potential areas where you may be in danger – whether you are staying in the relationship, are planning to leave, or have recently left. The following tips are not intended to scare or alarm you, but rather to help you plan so that you can be more prepared.

If you can keep written documentation safely, without the abuser finding it, you can write this plan down. Otherwise, just use the following tips to think through your plan, and talk with others who can help. Take some time to consider how you can increase your safety in each of the following areas:

Safety at home. Pack a bag with important contact information, paperwork — identification, birth certificates, medical information, financial information — as well as essential items for you and your children, and keep it somewhere you can easily grab it. You may want to consider changing your locks, installing a security system, or changing your security code. You may also want to hide knives or any other objects that could be used as a weapon, or ensure that they are somewhere only you can find them. If you have a restraining or protective order, keep a copy where you can easily access it. Get to know your neighbors and, if safe to do so, let them know about your situation and ask if you can come over in an emergency. You can also tell neighbors you will call and hang up, leave your porch light on, or create some other signal if you need them to call law enforcement. Enlist as much help as you safely can.
Safety at work. If you feel safe doing so, let your boss know that you are in or are leaving an abusive relationship. If you have a restraining or protective order, make sure your employer has a copy and knows to call law enforcement if the abuser shows up or calls you at work. If possible, try not to be at work alone or after hours. Ask a security guard or coworker to walk you to and from your car or public transportation. Find supportive coworkers and remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of. The abuse is not your fault.
Safety for children. It is important to talk with children about safety without causing additional fear. Make sure your children know to call 911 if they are afraid or see something dangerous happening. Let them know who is allowed to pick them up from school and to not leave with anyone else. Talk with neighbors and find safe places for children to stay in case of an emergency. Let school officials know that about the situation and make sure they have a copy of any protective orders or custody decrees. Most of all, make sure children know that the abuse is not their or your fault, and that you are doing everything you can to keep them safe.
Legal safety. As a victim of abuse, you have legal rights. Most of all, you have the right to be safe and protected. Call 911 any time you feel you are in danger. You may want to speak with an advocate about obtaining a restraining or protective order, which can order the abuser to stay away from your home, work, and possibly the children’s schools or daycare. You may also want to talk with a lawyer about establishing a custody or visitation order, or modifying an existing order. And if/when you are ready to consider filing for divorce, be sure to let your attorney know that you are a victim of domestic violence and have specific safety concerns. There may also be additional housing, employment, custody, and other protections available in your state. Talk with an attorney for further information.
Emotional safety. Too often in the chaos of coping with or leaving an abusive relationship, we focus only on our physical safety, which can leave you feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. It is important that you plan for your emotional well-being, as well. Find friends or loved ones you can trust and confide in. Make sure you are taking time to relax and care for yourself every day. As often as possible, eat healthy foods and make sure you are getting enough sleep. Most of all, remember that the abuse is not your fault. When reaching out for help, you may receive some negative responses from people who do not understand abuse. Do not let other people’s opinions bring you down. You deserve to be surrounded by people who will love and support you.

Abuse is never your fault, and you do not have to face it alone. For help with creating a safety plan, and to find an advocate in your area, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Remember: You deserve to be safe and respected.

How Does He Make You Feel?

You may be weighing the pros and cons of your relationship – analyzing all of the good things your partner has done and all the times he has hurt you. You may be remembering the good moments at the beginning of your relationship and hoping that he will be that sweet, caring man once again. Or you may be holding on to your hope of a future together, and fulfilling dreams of commitment, marriage, children, or growing old together. But, you are also likely confused by the bad times – the times you laid awake at night crying and wondering what to do.

The fact is that you can make pro and con lists all day, talk with every friend you know, and call psychic hotlines for advice, but there’s only one way to truly know whether you are in the right relationship. Ask yourself this question, and be honest with yourself: How does he make you feel?

Do you feel happy with him on most days? When you know you are going to see him, do you feel nervous and anxious, or excited and relaxed?

If you live together, how do you feel on your way home? Are you excited to settle into his arms? Or are you nervous about how he may react?

Does he make you cry more than he makes you smile? Do you feel like you can be yourself with him, without having to hide things or behave a certain way so that you won’t upset him?

Don’t focus only on the highlight reel of your relationship. Think about how you feel with him overall, day-to-day. No one is happy every day, and no relationship is perfect.

Have You Lost Yourself in Your Relationship?

So often, life brings us struggles that can make us give up on our dreams and settle for less than we deserve. Because, sadly, we forget who we really are.

Maybe a person you loved treated you badly, and tried to make you believe it was your fault. Maybe someone left you and made you wonder why you weren’t good enough for them to stay. Maybe your family abused you, and you started to believe something was wrong with you. Or maybe people are discouraging you and telling you that your dreams will never come true.

Life is hard. And the struggles can weigh us down. But, whatever has happened to you, friend – please don’t ever let it break you. Please don’t ever forget who YOU are. You are MAGNIFICENT.

If someone mistreated you or left you, it was because they couldn’t handle being in your life. It was because YOU are headed for greatness, and they weren’t ready. It was because they had their own STUFF to work through – and it had NOTHING to do with YOU. By leaving you or showing you their true self, they helped you – they moved out of your way, so you can keep moving forward, toward the great life that is waiting for you.

Please don’t ever let other people’s stuff, negativity, and bad choices bring you down. Please don’t let how other people have treated you convince you that you aren’t worthy of being loved and respected – because you absolutely are.

And please, friend, don’t ever forget that you are WORTHY. You MATTER. You are MAGNIFICENT. And anyone who treats you like you aren’t does NOT deserve your time or energy.

Let them go, so you can keep moving forward toward your dream. I promise you, it will be worth it.

5 Steps to Breaking Free of a Toxic Relationship

1. Recognize that your relationship is not healthy.

The first step toward making any real change in your life is to become aware of and accept your situation as it is right now. Be honest with yourself about how your partner makes you feel. Do you truly feel supported, respected, cherished, and loved? Or, does your partner make you feel guilty, rejected, unappreciated, and not valued?

Does your partner try to control what you do or who you talk to? Control is never a sign of love. It’s a sign of abuse, and a desire to have power over you. The same is true for jealousy. If your partner tries to limit who you have contact with, or makes you feel guilty for talking to anyone else, that does not mean that s/he loves you, it means they are trying to control you.

If you are noticing any red flags and warning signs in your relationship, be honest with yourself. Recognize that your relationship is not healthy, so you can make wise decisions about what to do moving forward.

2. Admit why you’re in the relationship in the first place.

Be honest with yourself about why and how you ended up in this relationship. It’s very possible that your partner was very charming and considerate in the beginning. Abusive partners often are. In fact, they can often be the most charming and romantic people you have ever met. This can make us very confused once their behavior changes and they start exerting power and control. If you fell for your partner’s charming persona in the beginning in the relationship, know that you are not alone, and forgive yourself. Now that you know better, you can do better.

It’s possible that you are also in this relationship because you ignored red flags in the beginning. You may have thought that his jealousy was charming or that his temper would eventually calm down. Again, forgive yourself for ignoring these signs in the past, and remember to pay attention to them moving forward.

Finally, you may be in this relationship because you didn’t realize you deserved better. Abusive partners are often keenly aware of our insecurities, or any pain we’ve experienced in the past. If you had any feelings of not being good enough, your partner may have noticed and taken advantage of them. Again, this is not your fault, but it is something to be aware of.

3. Realize you are worthy and deserve better.

Before we can make healthy decisions and stand up for ourselves, we have to realize that we deserve to be happy. Even if you were insecure or unsure of your own worth in the beginning of the relationship, or if your partner has made you feel unworthy through his tactics, you can absolutely change that now. Start to appreciate all of the wonderful things about yourself. Reach out to people who love and care about you and truly accept and absorb their compliments and compassion.

Imagine your best friend is in the exact situation you’re in. What would you tell her? Realize that you deserve the same happiness and respect that you would want for your friend. If your partner is not treating you with that respect, or if s/he does something to make you feel guilty, afraid, or rejected, you absolutely deserve better. And realizing your own worth is the best way to reclaim your power in the relationship, and in your life.

4. Build your support system.

Once you realize your relationship is not healthy, and that you deserve better, it is important to build your support system. If your partner has been abusive, they have probably also kept you away from close friends and family. Abusive partners isolate you because they know that people who love you will encourage you to leave. And they also know that a healthy support system will make it easier for you to leave.

Reach out to people who you have lost contact with. Tell them you are making some changes in your life and would like their support. Call a friend who you know you can trust and tell him or her about what has been happening. Surround yourself with positive, uplifting, and supportive people. Let yourself be vulnerable and open to receiving help and love from people who care about you. Remember, you deserve it.

5. Develop a plan.

Leaving any relationship can be extremely hard. But, if your partner has also been emotionally or physically abusive, it can be even more difficult – possibly even dangerous. If you feel that you may be in any danger when you try to leave, it is important to develop a plan to help you leave safely. Contact the National Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) to get in touch with an advocate in your area who can help you develop a safety plan. This plan will cover financial issues, safety at home and at work, and how to gather necessary items before you leave.

Ending this relationship may be hard, but you do not have to do it alone. And remember, you deserve better. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and kindness – every day.

Learn to Assess Your Relationship as it is Right Now

The number one mistake we tend to make in relationships is holding on to hope of who our partner
could be, or holding on to memories of who they used to be. So many people believe that if they just do
something differently or work on the relationship a bit more, their partner will go back to being the
charming, considerate person they once were. Or, in the beginning of the relationship, they fall in love
with a person’s potential, even when their partner never actually lives up to those that ideal.

Idealizing what someone could be, without actually looking at who they are is a recipe for disaster. Not
only will it set up false expectations, but it may also set you up for heartbreak – and possibly even
abuse. If you are no longer truly happy in your relationship, and especially if you are starting to notice
red flags, it is time to take an honest assessment of your relationship – as it is right now.
Every time you catch yourself thinking, “yes, but it used to be so good” or “but it could be so great” –
STOP. Healthy relationships are not built on memories or hope, they are built on daily action, and the
willingness of both parties to work on their bond, and treat one another with respect and love.

If your partner puts you down, calls you names, or makes you feel bad about yourself, what makes you
think they will stop? Even if they are promising to change, remember that actions speak much louder
than words. Have they promised to change before and still resorted back to the same behaviors? Do
they only treat you better when you threaten to leave, but then go right back to disrespecting you as
soon as they believe you’re not going anywhere? Anyone can change temporarily, and of course anyone
can promise to change, but it is important to look at actual behaviors.

The same is true if you are holding on to how your partner used to act. Even if your partner used to be
caring, compassionate, respectful, and attentive, remember that they chose to change this behavior.
And they are choosing how they treat you now. Only one person can make their behavior stop – and it
is not you. If you have let them know how it makes you feel, and they still refuse to stop doing it, the
chances are that they will not change.

After all, if you’re still there, what reason do they have to change?

So, honestly, looking at your relationship as it is today, ask yourself these questions:

Do I feel physically and emotionally safe with my partner?
Do I feel free to express myself without worrying about how they will react?
Can I be my full self, without limiting who I talk to, the activities I’m involved in, or the dreams I
pursue?
Do I feel like my partner respects and appreciates me?
Could I be happy in this relationship if it stayed exactly the same as it is right now?

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, it may be time to make a change, and possibly move on.
This may be very difficult, but so is being with someone who takes you or granted or hurts you in any
way. You deserve better. You deserve love, respect, and appreciation. And you don’t only deserve a
memory of someone who treats you well, or the hope that they may treat you well at some point in the
future – you deserve to be treated well right now, and always.

If your partner is hurting you, and you would like to talk with someone, advocates are available 24 hours
a day at 800-799- SAFE (7233).

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