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5 Steps to Finding Love After Abuse

“I wouldn’t act this way if you didn’t push my buttons.” I watched the words spilling out of my husband’s mouth, but couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I recognized the blaming, finger pointing, and minimization for exactly what it was – abuse.

Of course I recognized it. I’ve worked as an advocate and attorney with victims of abuse for years – in fact, my entire career. What I couldn’t understand is how I had actually ended up with an abuser. No, my husband never hit me. But, just like so many women I’ve worked with, I found myself feeling confused, exhausted, and ashamed.

Like so many women, I learned at an early age that my worth came from being accepted, especially by men. And the years of sexual abuse I endured at the hands of my grandfather taught me that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough to ever be treated with respect. I spent years fighting those lessons. I opened up to counselors, immersed myself in self-care, and surrounded myself with supportive friends. I healed. And yet somehow, here I sat with my husband – the man who I thought was the love of my life – as he stood over me and blamed me for his outbursts, cheating, and lies.

The Danger of ‘It Wasn’t Really Rape’

I watched in horror along with most of America as “19 Kids and Counting” parents Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar talked about their son, Josh’s, molestation of their young daughters. Josh has admitted to sexually abusing five young girls, including his sisters, Jessa and Jill. And a recently-released police report shows that Josh told his father on three occasions that he sexually abused four of his sisters as well as a family friend.

Yet, horrifically, Jim Bob claims that, “This wasn’t rape or anything like that. This was touching over the clothes.” This perception that touching is somehow less traumatic that penetration is not only false, it is incredibly damaging to victims, and helps perpetuate a culture of victim-blaming and lack of accountability for perpetrators. The fact is that children who are sexually abused often face lifelong consequences, whether or not that abuse involved penetration.

Each victim’s experience and response is unique, but common impacts of child sexual abuse include guilt, shame, depression, sleep disorders, difficulty trusting, low self-esteem, flashbacks, disassociation, eating disorders, substance abuse and difficulty forming intimate relationships.

The 3 Words Every Sexual Assault Survivor Needs to Hear

My grandmother had her back turned, her voice was cold. I was 15 years old and had just tried to end my life. After my attempt was interrupted by a phone call from a friend (or divine intervention), I put away the pills and walked into the kitchen, sobbing and shaking. I told my grandmother I needed to tell her something. But, I didn’t have to say it, because she already knew.

“Let me guess, he molested you.”

He was my step-grandfather. And he had been sexually abusing me since I was 5 years old. What I wanted more than anything was for my grandmother — the woman who raised me — to hold me and tell me how sorry she was. I wanted her to believe me. But, instead, she stood coldly, with her back turned, and snarled, “You’re lying. I want you out of my house.”

Lying. The word stung. It was my worst fear. It hung over me, ran through me, for many years. Of all the horrible words I heard throughout my childhood, that was the most difficult to forget.

My grandmother refusing to believe me was as painful as the abuse itself. It made the abuse my fault. It validated his threats that no one would believe me, that I didn’t actually matter to anyone. And it made me feel worthless — which is exactly what he wanted.

5 Ways to Help Someone Who Is Being Abused

Over the past 15 years, I have worked with thousands of survivors of domestic violence, who experienced incredible pain and turmoil in their journey to safety and freedom. But, I have found that the most distraught people I talk with are often not the survivors themselves, but their friends and family — who are often plagued with anger, guilt, and confusion.

At least one in four women and one in seven men has been abused by a current or former intimate partner. This means we all know someone who has been, or who is currently being, abused. An abusive relationship can be difficult to detect in the beginning, since abusers often appear charming and kind at first. It may start as subtle jealousy and isolation, but soon escalate to controlling and threatening behavior, and eventually physical and sexual violence.

It can be frightening to realize that someone we care about is in danger, and it often makes us feel helpless. If you recognize these warning signs in someone’s relationship, you are not alone, and there are ways you can help.

1. Tell them you are worried about them. When said with compassion, and without judgment, this statement lets them know that you care, and may also help them feel less alone. Abuse causes immense isolation, and it’s possible you may be the only person they are able to talk with. They may also be starting to question, and be concerned about, some of their partner’s behaviors. Letting them know that you are worried shows that they aren’t just imagining it — as the abuser would like them to believe — and that someone else is actually concerned about their safety, as well.

6 Early Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

When we think of abusive relationships, we often picture black eyes and broken bones. But while abuse often escalates to physical violence, it does not start out that way. In fact, abusers are often charming, attentive, and sweet in the beginning of a relationship. An abuser will work to make you feel so appreciated and loved, you won’t even notice he is controlling you — sometimes, until it’s too late. But, there are warning signs we can look out for, to help us spot an abusive relationship, before it goes too far.

1. He will romance you. He will buy you flowers and gifts. He will likely be the most romantic man you have ever met. He will pay attention to you and make you feel special and wanted. You may find yourself thinking that he is too good to be true — because he is. He needs you to trust him and develop feelings for him, because it is much easier to control someone who loves you. He will make you feel like you are his entire world — because he wants your world to revolve around him. Of course, just being romantic is not necessarily a sign of abuse. But, an abuser will often use these gifts and romance to distract you from other concerning behaviors, such as control and jealousy.

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