Pamela Jacobs

The Advocate's Advocate

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Why Jealousy is Toxic and Dangerous

Growing up, you probably learned that if a boy likes you, he should not pay attention to other girls. You probably thought that, if he likes you, he should want to spend all, or at least most, of his time with you. And when a boy acted jealous, you probably thought it was sweet, and proved that he really cared about you. This belief that jealousy is a sign of love is one of the most dangerous myths we are taught.

Jealousy does not show love, it shows insecurity. And often, it is tied to a desire to control, which can quickly become dangerous. One of the first tactics an abusive partner will use to control you is to isolate you from friends and family. In the beginning, this is often done through very subtle comments and actions, aimed at getting you to feel guilty for giving anyone else your time and attention.

For example, you may have plans to go out with friends. Your boyfriend may act upset and tell you that he misses you, and wishes you would spend more time with him. This doesn’t seem overtly jealous or controlling, but if it results in you changing your plans and staying home, he just learned that guilt is an effective tool to get you to change your behavior. And if he is someone who desires control, he will use this tactic again.

Of course, when it comes to your interaction with members of the opposite sex (in a heterosexual relationship), your partner may be even more jealous and selfish with your time and attention. For example, if you have a close male friend, your partner may be suspicious of your relationship. You may feel that you need to defend your loyalty to your boyfriend, and prove that your relationship with your friend is purely platonic. Eventually, as your boyfriend continues to be uncomfortable with your friendship, you may back away from your friend completely. And, that easily, you are starting to be isolated.

Eventually, your partner may start to question where you were, who you were with, and what you were doing. He may insist that you not speak to another man, because he believes it is disrespectful to him and your relationship. He may get angry with you if you talk to anyone else, and may blame you for his angry outbursts, and even violence. Jealousy can easily and quickly turn into rage, and eventually physical violence. In fact, many abusers justify their violent actions by saying you shouldn’t have been talking to another man. Jealousy and control are closely connected – and both very dangerous.

Of course, not all jealousy is intended as controlling or abusive. You may get jealous feelings at times, as well. We have all felt jealous at times. But, it is important to recognize that, even when your intentions are good, jealousy can be very toxic – to your relationship and to your own happiness. The key is learning to be aware of when you are feeling jealous and why you feel that way, and then choosing healthier responses.

When you feel jealous because their partner is spending time with or paying attention to someone else, it is almost always an indication that there is a lack of healthy communication in the relationship. It is important to establish healthy boundaries with your partner, to let them know what type of behavior you expect, and what makes you uncomfortable. And it is also important to be secure in yourself, in your worth, and in the knowledge that you deserve a partner who is loyal to you. Then, their interaction with someone else no longer defines how you feel about yourself, or even about the relationship.

When you feel secure in yourself, you will not be upset that your partner has close friendships and spends time with other people. In fact, you will encourage him to do so, because you will have a full life and meaningful friendships outside of your relationship also. If your partner crosses the line and acts inappropriately with someone else, you will feel confident in standing up for yourself, setting boundaries, and leaving the relationship if you feel you are being disrespected.

It’s that simple.

Jealousy is not a sign of love; it is a sign of insecurity, and is often used as a tool to control you. If you want a truly healthy relationship, it is important to be aware of your own jealousy, and work on your own security and boundaries. It is also important to recognize when your partner is being jealous and communicate that it bothers you. If your partner tries to limit who you interact with, and wants you to end friendships or back away from people who are important to you, understand that this is no loving – it is controlling. And control is the foundation of abuse.

Jealousy is one red flag of an abusive relationship. So, pay attention, and express your concerns early on. Remember, you deserve to be respected – all the time.

Learning to assess your relationship as it is right now

The number one mistake we tend to make in relationships is holding on to hope of who our partner could be, or holding on to memories of who they used to be. So many people believe that if they just do something differently or work on the relationship a bit more, their partner will go back to being the charming, considerate person they once were. Or, in the beginning of the relationship, they fall in love with a person’s potential, even when their partner never actually lives up to those that ideal.

Idealizing what someone could be, without actually looking at who they are is a recipe for disaster. Not only will it set up false expectations, but it may also set you up for heartbreak – and possibly even abuse. If you are no longer truly happy in your relationship, and especially if you are starting to notice red flags, it is time to take an honest assessment of your relationship – as it is right now.

Every time you catch yourself thinking, “yes, but it used to be so good” or “but it could be so great” – STOP. Healthy relationships are not built on memories or hope, they are built on daily action, and the willingness of both parties to work on their bond, and treat one another with respect and love.

If your partner puts you down, calls you names, or makes you feel bad about yourself, what makes you think they will stop? Even if they are promising to change, remember that actions speak much louder than words. Have they promised to change before and still resorted back to the same behaviors? Do they only treat you better when you threaten to leave, but then go right back to disrespecting you as soon as they believe you’re not going anywhere? Anyone can change temporarily, and of course anyone can promise to change, but it is important to look at actual behaviors.

The same is true if you are holding on to how your partner used to act. Even if your partner used to be caring, compassionate, respectful, and attentive, remember that they chose to change this behavior. And they are choosing how they treat you now. Only one person can make their behavior stop – and it is not you. If you have let them know how it makes you feel, and they still refuse to stop doing it, the chances are that they will not change.

After all, if you’re still there, what reason do they have to change?

So, honestly, looking at your relationship as it is today, ask yourself these questions:

  1. Do I feel physically and emotionally safe with my partner?
  2. Do I feel free to express myself without worrying about how they will react?
  3. Can I be my full self, without limiting who I talk to, the activities I’m involved in, or the dreams I pursue?
  4. Do I feel like my partner respects and appreciates me?
  5. Could I be happy in this relationship if it stayed exactly the same as it is right now?

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, it may be time to make a change, and possibly move on. This may be very difficult, but so is being with someone who takes you or granted or hurts you in any way. You deserve better. You deserve love, respect, and appreciation. And you don’t only deserve a memory of someone who treats you well, or the hope that they may treat you well at some point in the future – you deserve to be treated well right now, and always. If your partner is hurting you, and you would like to talk with someone, advocates are available 24 hours a day at 800-799-SAFE (7233).

Twenty Questions to Determine if Your Guy is Right For You

We often receive the most joy from our relationships, but they also may cause us the most confusion. We all want to find the person we are supposed to be with, who will add value and bring more happiness into our lives. But, how do you know if you’re with the right one? If you have recently started dating a new guy, you may be wondering whether he is the right person for you. And if you have been in a relationship for a while, you may be starting to wonder whether he is the one. Of course, there are no guarantees and, short of having a crystal ball, no one can know for sure what might happen in any relationship. But, there are some simple questions that can help you determine whether your partner is right for you.

  1. Does he encourage and support you? One of the best things about a healthy, happy relationship is having someone who will always support you. The partner who is right for you will be your biggest cheerleader.
  2. Do you have more good days than bad? Every relationship has rough spots, and every couple argues. But, in a healthy relationship, your good days should out-number the bad. You should spend more time smiling than being upset.
  3. Does he encourage you to do things you love? Not only will a healthy partner support you, he will also encourage you to try new things and to do more of what brings you joy. He will want you to be happy, both when you’re with him and when you’re not.
  4. Does he support you spending time with other people, including your friends and family? People often mistakenly believe that someone who loves you should want to spend all of their free time with you – and vice versa. But, the fact is that a healthy partner would want you to spend time with other people who matter to you. And they won’t sulk about it or try to make you feel badly when you do.
  5. If he does get jealous, does he recognize that it is his issue, and not something you need to fix? Unfortunately, because jealousy is such a common emotion in our culture, it’s possible that your partner may get jealous from time-to-time, especially if you are spending time with someone he may see as threatening. But, a healthy partner will realize that this jealousy comes from his own insecurity, and will find a way to work through it, without trying to make you feel guilty or change your activities.
  6. Does he listen to your ideas, feelings, and concerns? What’s the point of being in a relationship if you can’t talk openly with your partner? A healthy partner will want to know how you feel. And when you come to him with a concern, he will listen and want to resolve it. He won’t get upset with you for being honest.
  7. Is he willing to take the relationship at a reasonable pace, taking time to truly get to know one another? Romantic movies would have us believe that loving relationships move quickly, with people falling in love at first sight and being at the alter by the end of the year. But, the fact is that building a healthy relationship often takes time. A partner who wants to rush to commit too quickly may be more interested in ownership than in love and respect. Be honest about how quickly you want to move, and listen to your instincts.
  8. Does he understand and respect that you have your own life, and encourage you to do so? Not only is it important for partners to respect and support each other, but it is also important for each person to have their own life outside of the relationship. You won’t enjoy all of the same activities, and that’s okay. In fact, a healthy relationship involves two people who each have their own separate hobbies, interests, friends, and activities, and who support each other in doing so.
  9. Does he support your hopes and dreams? If you tell your partner about something you’ve always wanted to do, he should encourage you to pursue your dreams. If he makes fun of your ambition or puts you down, you will eventually stop telling him about your dreams – and then, you’ll just stop having them at all. A healthy partner would encourage you to be the very best version of yourself, and to pursue your goals and dreams.
  10. Does he have his own interests and dreams, apart from you? Not only would a healthy partner encourage you to have your own life and dreams, but he would have his own as well. He should have passions, hobbies, and interests that make him light up and bring him joy – that are separate from you and your relationship. He should have other ways to fill himself up, other than always leaning on you for his happiness.
  11. Does he have his own friends? You may be the closest person to him, but a healthy partner would also have his own
    support system, including friends, family, and colleagues. He will have people he can talk to and lean on, other than just you. A full support system for both partners is crucial for a long, healthy relationship.
  12. Do your friends and family like him?
    It is not wise to base all of your decisions on other people’s perceptions, but it is helpful to pay attention to what others say about your partner. If people you love and trust have concerns about him, ask yourself whether they have valid points. If they like him for unfair or unjust reasons – such as his ethnicity, religion, or appearance – it’s perfectly fine to disregard these opinions. But, if they have legitimate concerns about his lifestyle or how he treats you – pay attention.
  13. Does he respect your time and space – and not obsessively call, text, or check up on you?
    As we’ve stated above, it is essential for each partner in a healthy relationship to have their own hobbies and interests. It is also essential for each of you to have time to yourself, and freedom. If your partner obsessively checks up on you, that is a warning sign of controlling behavior, and possibly abuse.
  14. Do you have things in common?While it is important to have your own life and interests, it is also important to be able to talk with your partner about things you have in common. You don’t have to share every interest, but you should have plenty of topics to keep your conversations interesting and connected.
  15. Is he genuinely interested in your hobbies, passions, and concerns?Your partner should genuinely want to know about your day, what’s going well for you, and what you are struggling with. They should be just as interested in hearing about you as you are about hearing about them. A healthy relationship is equal, and consists of two partners who genuinely care about each other.
  16. Does he take responsibility for his actions?One of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is the willingness of both partners to admit when they are wrong, and take responsibility for their actions. This means genuine accountability, not just saying “I’m sorry” and then repeating the same behavior. If your partner is constantly blaming someone else, especially you, for his poor choices or bad behavior, this is a serious red flag.
  17. Does your partner respect you? People often focus on love in a relationship, but respect may be even more important. If your partner insults you, puts you down, or makes you feel bad about yourself, it is not a healthy relationship. A healthy partner will lift you up, not tear you down.
  18. Do you feel safe with him? You should feel both physically and emotionally safe in your relationship. This means that you should feel comfortable talking to your partner about anything, without having to worry about how he may respond. It also means that your partner should never, ever hit, push, shove, kick, or restrain you against your will. Safety is the foundation for any healthy relationship.
  19. Does he fit into your life?A healthy relationship consists of two whole people who complement, not complete, one another. But, while it is important that you each have your own life, it is also important that your lives fit well together. Does he get along with your friends and family? Do you have hobbies in common? The right partner will fit well into your life.
  20. Does he make you feel good? It is not your partner’s responsibility to make you happy – we are each always responsible for our own well-being and happiness. But, the person you are supposed to be with will make you feel good. He will make you feel respected and appreciated. When you think of him, you will feel happy, not worried. And when you are with him, you will feel safe, not anxious. You will feel good around him and about him.

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, there may be some areas you will want to pay closer attention to in your relationship. If you had many “no” answers, it may be time to reconsider your relationship. A healthy partner will lift you up, encourage you to be your full self, and support you in doing what makes you happy. If your partner limits who you talk to, what you do, or where you go, he is controlling you, not loving you. And if he puts you down, disrespects you, or hurts you in any way, he wants to have power over you, not love you.

If someone is hurting or disrespecting you, advocates are available to help you 24 hours a day at 800-799-SAFE (7233). Remember, you deserve to be safe, respected, and loved – all the time.

How You Are Settling for Less Than You Deserve

Too often, we get into relationships where we compromise our boundaries and settle for far less than we deserve. The problem is, we rarely recognize when we are doing this. We often settle for less than we deserve – usually because we’re afraid to be alone. But, surely
we can all agree that being alone and happy is far better than being with someone who makes you miserable. So, to help you make decisions about what’s best for your life, here are a few signs that you may be settling for less than you deserve.

  1. Overlooking red flags. Abusive behavior may not be obvious right away, but there are subtle signs that will start to develop. If your guy is controlling who you talk to, where you go, or what you do, you may mistakenly believe he is doing this because he cares, or because he is being protective. But, these behaviors are not loving – they are controlling. Extreme jealousy is a way to isolate you from your friends and family, so it will be easier to control and abuse you later. These actions will not change, they will likely escalate. And eventually, they may turn into physical violence. Pay attention to these red flags. And talk to a friend or advocate (800-799-SAFE) when you notice concerning behavior.
  2. Not focusing on you. Women tend to use our energy caring for others, and end up neglecting ourselves. In fact, we spend so much time focusing on others, we can often become codependent – believing it’s our responsibility to fix our partner, rather than focusing on our own health and well-being. It’s important to realize that another person can never fulfill you. If you are relying on someone else to make you feel important, needed, worthy, or loved, you will be left feeling resentful and hurt. Start focusing on what’s important to you and work on filling yourself up first. Those who truly love and deserve you will not only understand, they will encourage it.
  3. Confusing attention with love. Just because someone tells you that they love you or says nice things to you on occasion does not mean that they truly care. And it definitely does not mean that they respect or deserve you. Pay attention to your partner’s actions, not just his words. Does he treat you with respect? Is he loyal, trustworthy, and considerate? Does he tell you the truth and keep his promises? Does he encourage you to spend time with friends, pursue your career or interests, and have a full life? Someone who truly loves you will want what’s best for you. They will want to see you happy. Do not settle for just attention, when you truly want and deserve is respect and love.

 

The only way to know whether someone fits into your life is to know what you want. Create a vision for what you truly want your life to look like. Picture how you would want to be treated by your ideal partner. Then decide if the person you are with can fit into that picture. If he doesn’t, he is probably not the right person for you. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells, are constantly trying to fix problems in the relationship (often on your own), or you often feel resentful or exhausted, it’s time to assess your relationship and decide if it’s really what you want. Remember, you deserve more than just someone’s kind words – you deserve their respect. And you deserve to be happy.

How Reaching Out for Help May Save Your Life

Reaching out for help, and admitting that you’re being abused, can be incredibly difficult. You may be worried that your partner will become more violent – a fear that should absolutely be taken seriously. You may also be worried about your financial independence and ability to support yourself after you leave. You may be confused about whether what you are experiencing is really abuse, or simply relationship struggles. And you may be ashamed and worried about what others may think if they find out your partner has been hurting you. These are all understandable concerns.

Abuse is very common. At least one in three women and one in seven men will be abused by an intimate partner at some point in their lives. And research has shown that this behavior rarely stops, without your partner admitting they have a problem and seeking serious help through a batterers’ intervention program to change their beliefs and choices – a change that may take many years of treatment. The fact is that once your partner has started controlling you, putting you down, and disrespecting you, the behavior is likely to continue. And if they are hitting, kicking, punching, or physically abusing you in any way, the level of violence will likely continue to escalate. If you are being abused now, the abuse will not stop on its own.

And you may be in serious danger.

One common tactic of abusers is to isolate you from friends and family, so that when you are ready to leave, you have no one to reach out to for help. This can also make it difficult to find someone to talk with when you are trying to decide whether to leave or stay. Of course, as with any life decision, it is much easier to navigate this process when you have someone you can lean on, and someone you can reach out to for support. And a recent study has found that reaching out for help will not only help you emotionally when leaving an abuser, it may also save your life.
A study out of Dallas County, Texas examining more than 30 intimate partner homicides over the course of two years, discovered that all of the victims had one, unfortunate thing in common—none of them reached out for help prior to their death. In October 2014, the Texas Council on Family Violence released a report stating that Dallas County had the highest per capita rate of murders in which women were killed by an intimate partner.

 

“The thing that struck us all, out of the cases we reviewed, is that not one victim had called a service provider before her death,” says Jan Langbein, committee member and chief executive of Genesis Women’s Shelter in Dallas. “At first my response was, what are we doing? Then I realized if she does reach out, she doesn’t die. That was the most profound thing.” Victims who reach out to advocacy programs are also much more likely to feel safe reaching out to law enforcement, courts, and others for assistance and support.

Those who are being abused who reach out for help are able to access many life- saving services, such as counseling, protective orders, legal help, financial assistance, support groups, advocacy, and shelter. Advocates are also able to help you create a safety plan, so you can decide how and when to leave, in a way that works for you.

If your partner is hurting or abusing you in any way, please know that you deserve better. You deserve to be safe and respected, especially by someone you love. And you absolutely do not have to face this alone. Trained advocates are available to listen and support you 24 hours a day at 800-799-SAFE (7233). Your call can be completely confidential. Ready to talk about an escape plan? Find an advocate in your area by going to DomesticShelters.org and searching in your zip code.